


Pain Masquerading as Moonlit Nights

by Megane



Category: Stupidly Beautiful (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Confessions, Fluff and Angst, Frets and Fears, Heart-to-Heart, Heartache, Insomnia, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Polyarmory, Smoking, Thinking About the Future, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Worry, reassurance, relationship worries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 01:12:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13020123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megane/pseuds/Megane
Summary: Mira warned Kalmin about Deimos' sleepless nights. She warned him about the cold feeling that rolled over her like a cold wave. She told him, but Kalmin didn't really understand.At least, not until tonight.





	Pain Masquerading as Moonlit Nights

**Author's Note:**

> How about some relatable eggs for you while I get my bearings?

        "You don't have to tell me," Kalmin said softly.

Mira had warned him about this. About the times when Deimos would be out of bed at some godless hour, sitting in the window and smoking all of his pains away. She told Kalmin about what went through her mind when it happened, about what they talked about in vague, roundabout ways. But, one thing she always hammered home was that cold, sinking feeling she got every time she saw Deimos like that. Like  _this_.

Deimos leaned his head back against the window frame and sighed the smoke out through his nose. The silence between them was heavy and uncomfortable. Kalmin just waited. He drew his legs up, the covers creating a tent over his legs. He laced his fingers together, set his elbows on his knees, and slowly twiddled his thumbs together. Deimos looked beautiful with the moonlight and the streetlights shining on his skin. He always had that ability to look like he was straight out of a movie, a being too perfect and picturesque for real life. But what he was feeling was real. Kalmin knew that much. It was palpable in the air around them. He just wished he knew what was wrong...

        "Yeah, I don't  _have_ to," Deimos agreed roughly. He turned the cigarette between his fingers with his thumb. "But you make it sound like you're not even a little bit interested."

        Kalmin drew in a small breath. "Of course I want to know," he began. "I just don't want to force you to tell me."

        Deimos huffed and shook his head against the narrow wall beside the window. "Fuck you," he grit out halfheartedly. He turned his head to the right with a lull and tapped his cigarette outside the window. "Fuck you for being so considerate..."

The words came as a mumble, bitter and low. He took another drag of his cigarette, and Kalmin frowned. He couldn't help himself.

        "It doesn't pay to be anything else," he explained softly.

At that, Deimos grunted. Kalmin wasn't sure if that was better or worse. He pressed his lips together and turned his head away. He stared down at his still turning hands.  _Don't make it an argument,_ he told himself. He wouldn't get any answers that way if he did that. When Deimos laughed, Kalmin lifted his head again.

        "I hate the future," Deimos finally said. "I hate that it's not certain. I hate that nothing's even known, that there's no way to really set things in stone. I hate that you can plan out every single boring  _fucking_ minute of your life from now until  _whenever_ , and it can all fall apart for no rhyme or reason." He laughed wryly, flashing the right side of his teeth. "It's all so fucking annoying. And you know, sometimes it's better to just live in the moment. And I really want to. I just say fuck it to everything. The past — the future." He closed his eyes. "Sometimes, I just want to say fuck it to the present too and just live in a daze..."

        Kalmin couldn't keep himself from speaking up this time. He stopped moving his thumbs. "But you're not living then," he said plainly.

There was silence between them. It was different, contemplative, tense. Kalmin waited with dreadful anticipation until Deimos spoke again. Seconds passed, but the pause felt entirely too long. Deimos shrugged.

        "I don't really feel like I'm living  _now_..."

That was... concerning. It was something that Kalmin lacked the ability to name. It made all the smiles they shared thus far together seem so much more questionable. Kalmin grabbed the covers and pulled them off his body. He turned to stand from the bed, and as he did, Deimos started talking again.

        "But all of that sounds so  _edgy_ , doesn't it?" Deimos waved his smoking hand in a circle, taking on a patronising tone in his voice. "'The world is so dark.' 'The future is pointless.' 'Fuck everything, every _whe_ n, and everyone.' But that sounds like me, doesn't it?" He opened his eyes only to roll them. "But that sounds like me." Kalmin rounded the bed and moved closer to his boyfriend. "Mr.  _Fucking_ Edgy."

        "Deimos, what's this about?" Kalmin asked finally, opening his arms at his sides slightly before letting them fall once again.

        Deimos' expression soured immediately. He took one last, long drag before flicking his cigarette out the window. He set his feet on the floor and turned to face Kalmin. "What  _isn't_ this about?" he asked, smoke billowing from his mouth and slightly out of his nose. He looked like an irritated dragon. Kalmin found himself enamored in a way that was mixed with awe and concern. "There's just... I'm still thinking about what to do after school's over. Are we all going to move in together? Are we going to be able to settle down? Will that make more people stare at us and  _watch_ us like we're fucking amusement." He waved his hand sharply.

        "I don't care if they stare at us. It's  _how_ they stare at us. It's what their eyes say. Even what their actions say. I don't like being looked at, and it's fucking irritating when people can't mind their own business." Kalmin had to agree with that. He typically didn't mind being under scrutiny, but it was different when people were being nosy. He wrapped his arms across himself loosely as he listened to Deimos, who continued, "If we all end up living together  _somehow_ , what happens if we — when we get tired of each other? Can you and Mira even chase your dreams and have us all still living together?"

It didn't pass Kalmin how Deimos excluded himself in that last bit, but he wouldn't press on it now. Deimos had a lot of concerns. A lot of real questions that Kalmin didn't really know how to respond to, but he knew one thing. He knew that he had these same thoughts himself. He licked his lips slowly and stepped closer to Deimos.

        "Deimos... I don't have the answers to that..." he said honestly.

        "None of us have the fucking answers, and that's what makes me worried!" Deimos snapped. His cheeks were flushed with anger; he brought his hands together and clenched hard. As if he was holding himself back — or holding himself together. His expression was tight.

Kalmin's heart sunk.  _Oh_.

        Deimos shook his head hard before finally glaring at the floor. "And I'm worrying myself sick thinking that I'm the only one thinking about these things. Neither of you seem to care. It's nice to live in the moment and love you guys. Hell, it's easier than I thought it would be. But I don't want this to end before... Without..." He was fighting his thoughts. He groaned and spread his legs before dropping his elbows onto his thighs and burying his face in his hands. He scrubbed his features with his palms. "It's just nerve-wracking walking this fucking tightrope of happiness when literally anything can ruin it. It's... it's  _painful_."

He steepled his fingers over his nose and looked up to Kalmin with a hard glare. As if Kalmin was the reason everything was so unstable, so without answers, so painful. Kalmin knew that this wasn't the case; he knew that Deimos was just frustrated. But the questions and the shared anxiety were filling him with a small sense of dread. It was because of this that he just tried not to think about it. Did that make him a coward? He moved closer to Deimos until he was standing directly in front of him, close enough to touch, close enough to loom over in the darkness.

        "I don't know what to say to make this situation better," Kalmin admittedly softly, whispering as if too embarrassed to say it out loud. "I've thought about this too. Maybe... not as deeply as you have, I don't know, but it... scares me. I don't like the idea of not being with you two. And it feels like I'm just jinxing myself if I start looking at things too closely.

Kalmin's response was enough to make Deimos' expression change, but not for the better. His body relaxed, and he lowered his hands away from his face. But he looked at Kalmin with this unamused expression. He looked at Kalmin as if he didn't believe him. And that  _hurt_. He stood up and brushed past Kalmin. Their shoulders knocked as he moved by. The action was so inherently hostile that Kalmin moved on instinct. His left hand reached up and grabbed Deimos by the arm. His grasp was firm enough to hold Deimos in place without hurting him. He felt Deimos shift towards him, but Kalmin didn't look at him. Not yet.

        "Deimos. I'm scared," he repeated. "I'm genuinely terrified of losing a good thing. I'm scared that I'm going to lose you both and spend every moment hoping and wishing that I can have you guys back in my life. I'm worried that maybe I won't feel anything, and it'll all be a passing dream. I feel like that's worse. I keep tumbling over this picture perfect life for all of us in my mind, never knowing if it's even going to happen. I feel like... this is all just some fantasy, and I catch myself waiting for the bubble to burst." Kalmin paused, giving a chance for his words to sink in before he turned to meet Deimos' eyes. "But I know that I want you and Mira, and knowing that some unknown force could just take this away from all of us frightens me."

They held each other's gaze for a while. Kalmin rubbed his thumb against the Deimos' arm. When Deimos didn't resist the gesture or even the hold he was in, Kalmin turned to face him completely. 

        "I love you, Deimos. I don't want to worry about a future where I  _may_ not have you in it. Hell, thinking about a future where we all try to decorate a shared living space makes me anxious enough." He managed a weak smile. Deimos' tired expression cracked. Up close, Kalmin could see the bags under Deimos' eyes, but the small smile Deimos gave lightened them somewhat. "Please... talk to us next time. I know it's hard. It doesn't have to be both of us at the same time. Tell us what's on your mind. If we're really committing to this poly thing, then we need to communicate so we can plan things out. Careers and long term goals are kind of unavoidable now, but we'll figure it out together. You don't have to go back to Greece and stay there if you don't want."

        "You can't guarantee—"

        "We'll figure it out," Kalmin intercepted. "I said you don't have to  _stay_ there. Even if you go back, we can say that it's only temporary, that it's all a part of our plans. If we can keep you from going back at all, that'd be a bonus... I want to believe in a future where we have a choice about these things. You, especially, have a say in your own life. I want you to believe that."

        Deimos sighed and deflated visibly. "How can you be so sure about this?"

        "I'm not... But it's all I have. That... and you."

The words made Deimos blush in spite of yourself. Kalmin closed the gap between them and trailed his fingers up from Deimos' arm to his jawline. The touch made Deimos shiver. His eyes went to half-mast as he pushed closer to his lover. 

        "You're a hopeless romantic."

        Kalmin's lips quirked up slightly. "So I am."

They shared a simple kiss, something sweet and reassuring. Kalmin's hand cradled Deimos' jaw, holding him like he was something to be treasured. In Kalmin's mind, he was. Deimos sighed ever so slightly when the kiss ended. Kalmin tenderly followed the curve of Deimos' jaw to his chin.

        "Come to bed," he whispered against Deimos' lips. "I don't know what lies ahead of us, but for tonight, you're okay."

        Deimos reached up to loosely curl his fingers around Kalmin's wrist. "Just for tonight?"

        "Tonight and every night after." Kalmin kissed him again, soft pecks that made Deimos press closer into him. "Even in the daytime, I'll look after you."

Deimos touched their foreheads together and laughed shakily. His smile was weak against Kalmin's lips. It was heartbreaking, but for now, Kalmin could endure it.

        "You're too good at cheering me up," Deimos murmured.

        "You deserve to smile, Deimos. Don't forget that."

Another huff of a laugh. Deimos pulled away. He moved his hand to hold Kalmin's. He drew his boyfriend over towards the bed, and Kalmin followed without comment. As he stared at Deimos' back, he thought to how Mira warned him about these nights when Deimos would lose himself in memories and cigarettes, in bitterness and pain. She told him about nights when she would fall asleep with that cold feeling, only to feel it melt away when she fell asleep in Deimos' arms. Kalmin brought up his hand to kiss the top of Deimos' fingers. Now that he experienced it, he finally understood what she meant. He would do his best to make sure that Deimos never felt like this while they were together. It was hard to guarantee with the world as it was, with their lives as they were, but Kalmin was damn well going to try.

Deimos deserved that and so much more.

**Author's Note:**

> One of those days where nothing makes sense and everything is happening all at once.
> 
> It's nice to write something without worrying about the attention it might get. If any.


End file.
